The number on the scale
Hello again!
A little pre-scriptum before we get started: This post is not going to scare the bejesus out of you guys. It is long because I’m putting down a part of my personal journey, completely unfiltered — what triggered me, what pushed me, what I learnt and what I would like to give you. By the time you get over with it, you’re going to feel a lot better about yourself!
Since the title is pretty straight forward, I’m going to get right to it -
So, for as long as we can remember, we’ve been defined by numbers. The numbers on our report card defined our performance as a student in our academics; the number of digits in our salary defines our competency; number of assets define how well off we are; a number defines how old or young we are; number of likes for pictures on social media defines how socially acceptable we are based on our appearance; the sizing system of numbers in the clothing line defines if we are big or small; and a number we all dread in one way or other — the number on the weighing scale defines how stout or skinny (going with the humiliating layman terms: fat or thin) we are. We’ve always been taught to target a selected few numbers in each of these and so many similar other scenarios. And as you would expect, we’ve always struggled to fit in all that permissible window of numbers.
As an infant I was perfectly healthy. When I was 7, we had to shift and settle in the southern part of India. Because of the drastic change in my dietary habits (since I switched from Maharashtrian food to South Indian staple diet), I gained considerable amount of unhealthy weight (mind you, I was SEVEN!). We shifted back to Maharashtra (for whatever reasons) and I remember being fat shamed as soon as we returned. The fact that I was 8 years old was not even a concern when I was called fat. By the time I finished with middle school, I was so scarred with all the fat shaming that I went crazy just to lose weight. I took up three or four different kinds of intensive sports; I wouldn’t eat more than 2 meals a day (FYI, I am a stress eater, always was, always will be but I wouldn’t because of the fear of being called fat); I would overdo all my extracurricular activities only so I could lose weight (the struggle to fit in the permissible window of a number, rings a bell?). Thankfully, all that insanity paid off before I could damage myself to an irreparable state. I completed my high school with a lean (but I wouldn’t say healthy) body just as I desired (only to get back at the people who made me loathe myself only because of my weight).
But of course, that wasn’t the end the of it. I was down on my luck and diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Disorder (PCOD) shortly after. I had started putting on weight (unhealthy and unintentionally) and because I was suffering from PCOD I had no control over all the fat and weight I was accumulating. Fast forward to 3 years of getting big and upping the size to an xtra large, I wasn’t back to the square one from where I started when I was 10, I was way behind. Now I was in college, shaped like big fat amoeba who learnt to laugh at herself (which wasn’t out of self-pity really. I just enjoyed a good laugh) when others mocked her over her weight and size (my personal favorite was: You are a true size zero because you know, you’re so round you can literally roll. FAT SHAMING, that’s what it was), depressed because I thought I’ve hit my rock bottom and I could never pick myself and do something about it (on a side note — depression is very real but more on that later!). I would hesitate to click pictures and when I did click some, I was among the ones who thought sucking in your tummy will magically make you look THINNER. So in most of my pictures during that phase, I look perpetually suffocated or constipated.
With all these physical, mental and emotional consequences of gaining weight and suffering from PCOD and their interconnected vicious cycle, I couldn’t sit back in self-loathing and in despair. One fine, a really fine morning, I woke up and took my leap of faith (though I wasn’t much of a go-getter). I decided to change everything that bugged me about myself, starting with my weight (because I wasn’t in the permissible window). Also, one way to curb PCOD was to get healthy (which then, meant losing weight to become THIN and I didn’t really know any better). So that’s how it started. That’s how I ended up in the gym around 4 years ago. My trigger was the need to look THIN (déjà vu is an understatement!).
The number on the weighing scale on my first day of gym was 66kgs. I’m not going to get into the specifics of the lean mass, fat percentage etcetera. I was terrified to check my weight knowing I had people who witnessed the number skyrocket on the weighing scale. To be honest, I was very embarrassed and morally demotivated. Crazy how a number (beyond the acceptable weight window) can influence you so bloody much. But something that I had read back then stuck with me. Suck it up so you won’t have to suck it in. And that’s how and why I showed up the next day and then the next and I shed blood, sweat and tears but I showed up. Of course, I also learnt to start eating clean and healthy. Eventually, 3 months far along, for the very first time I felt excited more than scared to stand on the weighing scale. And that was also how my obsession with weighing less began. On reading 58.5kgs on the scale, I’m not exaggerating, I felt invincible! I started weighing myself every week thereafter. The weighing scale decided my mood for the week. The psychotic loop of intense workouts, abnormally measured eating and standing on the weighing machine after 7 days was stupid and brutal.
After another 3 months or so, after I weighed 53kgs and was advised to stop obsessing about my weight and start looking at my workouts through a physical and mental fitness perspective. But I COULDN’T! When I was 66kgs, I wanted to see a smaller number. Later the machine said 58.5kgs, I wasn’t satisfied. I was so insistent to see myself keep weighing lesser than before, I couldn’t stop even when I weighed 53kgs. It was a consuming passion, rather, a mania. Somewhere in this rage laid the desire to fit in the lawful weight window of a thin appealing person. I lost the objective of getting “healthy”. 50.8kgs on the scale took the edge off. But not enough because I wanted to see myself lose another 2kgs so I had a buffer in case I suddenly blew up like a balloon. I admit that this attitude does come off as self-destructing which it is, but it pushed me to advance towards my goal.
I always claim that this journey is not just physical, it’s so much more. It’s mental. In my fetish to see my weight drop, I ignored the mental transformation. It did get better later when I learnt to fixate on my mind along with my body. What I learnt and would like to give you is, weighing less (or more, without falling in the defined weight widows) doesn’t necessarily make you healthy or appealing. Like they say, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. And this journey is mental, physical and emotional. The number on the weighing scale got me so hooked that I ignored what that number did to my mental journey. This school of thought is soul sucking. It is aimed to please and prove a point to others more than proving it to yourself. But after coming so far, you don’t have to drown in self-pity. Detours are always okay as long as you find your way back, which you always do. When it comes to talking about the numbers with fitness point of view, I will advise that instead of letting the weighing scale decide your fitness score, give yourself 90 days, show up every day sincerely and workout with an intent, eat healthy and eat right, go all in and when the time comes, see how you’ve done for yourself. Don’t rate yourself because when you’ve given it all, it doesn’t make sense to really give a perfect score just to keep up with the number play. Don’t fret over what the weighing scale reads because that number won’t determine how fat/thin or appealing you are or have become. You are set out on this tour to get fit and stay healthy and no number on any scale in any format can applaud for your conviction.
Because we’re talking about focusing on the things beyond weight, here’s a piece of information I’d like to tell you. Our weight is basically just a measure of certain elements — water weight, muscle mass, fat mass to name some. Apart from these compositions, body analysis also takes into account our body fat, our basal metabolic rate, BMI etc. In essence, there are multiple factors which decide the fitness quotient of a person. All of them are measured in numbers. So, the idea isn’t to get into the normal range of all these factors. It is to show up every day and assess yourself periodically on these factors to see how far you’ve come. If you’re into working out in the gym, focus on losing fat and gaining muscle; if you’re a runner, focus on learning to sprint better than the day before; if yoga is your thing, practise each pose until you casually glide into it; if aerobic activities are your preferred form of exercise, focus on speed and time. There will be days when your body will not perform at its best. Learn to listen to your body. Don’t let numbers bulldoze you to overdo anything physically. Unless that happens often because then you’re just turning lazy!
As for me, I am on a pretty crazy weighing scale roller coaster. My body stabilises itself between 51kgs to 55kgs with regular workout. Fortunately, I can now analyse and work on the weaknesses and strengths of my body, chalk out a required diet. I have taken up Pilates along with working out in the gym as a part of my fitness regime. I cannot stick to specific diet for very long but I definitely try to keep healthy eating habits. With all the changes in my eating patterns and my workouts, I keep putting on and losing weight but I don’t let it affect me anymore. It is indeed easier said than done. I’ve had my dark times, I still do, but the numbers are the least of my worries. Don’t let numbers control you. You are not set out to conform yourself to some unjustified norms of the number systems. Your mental journey is as important as your physical one. You’re as appealing as you want to be. The numbers will waiver and that matters only as much as you let it.
Be true to yourself and your resolution. Show up every day, do what you have to with dedication, don’t give up, compliment yourself, be gentle on your bad days; the numbers will line up in due course. But don’t do it for the numbers else you’re going to lose the essence of this journey. You’re here for a better, healthier and happier life. No numbers on any scales matter, unless we’re talking about the Stock Market.
